Tue 26, Aug 2008
Fri 22, Aug 2008
Thu 21, Aug 2008
Wed 20, Aug 2008
Tue 19, Aug 2008
Mon 18, Aug 2008
Thu 14, Aug 2008
For most, internet dating sites are a way to try to meet someone we want to spend our lives with. But the latest craze to hit the web is aimed at people who definitely aren’t searching for “The One”. Welcome to the world of the online affair seekers.
Deliberately logging on in search of an affair may seem shocking. But more surprising is the fact typical users tend to be in their 20s and 30s – either seeking someone to play away from home with, or singles searching for a married lover.
Paul Graham, who founded Maritalaffair.co.uk in 2007, believes many younger people are choosing to have affairs to satisfy the need for excitement without suffering from the strains of a full-time relationship.
“The common theme is the desire for sex,” says Paul.
“A website provides anonymity for married people and we also deliver for those seeking casual, non-complicated intimacy.”
However, relationship psychologist Trudy Hill suggests that the real reasons young people are drawn to these sites may be more complex. She says: “A desire to escape from a painful relationship, boredom, desire to fill gaps in an existing relationship or to punish one’s partner could all entice people to log on.
“It is also common at this age to want to experience something you feel you have missed out on, particularly if you have spent most of your adult life in one relationship.”
Jan, 32, has been having an affair for six months with a married man she met online.
“He is purely a bed mate to me,” says Jan.
“I don’t want the hassle of a relationship and I don’t want him to leave his wife.”
Despite being married for only two years Alex, 34, started an affair with a woman he found online.
“I love my wife and don’t want to leave her, but she started talking about babies. I felt I was getting old before my time,” he says. “I wanted to do something reckless.”
“Human beings are not naturally monogamous,” concludes Graham.
Find your perfect match
I was pondering this perhaps unnecessary restraint last week while kicking my legs over the sea wall on holiday in Naples. Hunkered down among the rocks on the breakwater, I noticed a handsome young couple, lit up unawares by a flashbulb-bright ribbon of moonlight wriggling across the waves. They were enjoying themselves so heartily that I thought, I fancy some of that. Now I’m not normally crazy about outdoor loving, but that’s mainly because the English climate tends to make alfresco rough-and- tumble feel like rolling around in a deep freeze.
In the bay at Naples, however, nothing could have felt more enticing, with Mount Vesuvius looming like an unusually gorgeous bouncer in the darkness and the air heavy with the scent of sea salt and fried tripe. Feeling lucky, I took a turn around the park behind the sea front, looking for lone figures among the palm trees.
As my eyes adjusted to the murk, I noticed a fair few couples tussling in the shadows. I was in luck.
Or maybe not. Ambling past, I realised the couples were all men with women who hurriedly readjusted their clothing on noticing my presence. Not wanting to poop their party, I skulked back to my hotel on my own. While I didn’t score, I suppose it was a consolation that straight people seemed to have loosened up so much recently that they don’t have to act straight any more.
joshua@thelondonpaper.com
Wed 20 Aug, Central line westbound, 6pm. You: guy in black biker jacket, blond hair, white shoes and reading thelondonpaper. Me: guy in waistcoat with three loud Canadian women. We all changed at Holborn and got on the Piccadilly line. We got off at Covent Garden. We kept catching each other’s eyes. Fancy a drink? ANON
To Ben, from Tunbridge Wells, who I met on the Northern line after Get Loaded in the Park. We chatted until I got off at Bank. Since we’re both East End locals, fancy a Tayyabs some time? Suzanna
To the hot Antipodean I danced with last Friday night in The Winchester. I should have asked for your number, but was having too much fun throwing shapes with you. Dinner? ANON
Finchley Central Tesco, last Friday at about 6pm. You: in orange T-shirt playing EuroMillions. Wish I had said hi. ANON
If you have seen someone you fancy in London ...
Text LOVE, followed by a space and then your message, to 88855. Texts cost 50p plus standard network extras.
Printing is subject to the editor’s discretion.
If I go on an awful date, I can write without fear of ever having to see her again because the date was so lousy. But if I go on a good one, how do I write about how good the date was, knowing she’ll read it? We all know dating, like poker, is best played with your cards close to your chest. If you show your hand to the rest of the table (ie the whole of London), you’ve got nothing left to play with. Well, you have, but we won’t go down that road.
So I’m not going to say how much fun I had this week with Sophie – how it didn’t matter that the bar you picked was too noisy, or that I didn’t get half of your jokes, or that I’m a bit panicked you earn more than twice what I do. Or that I actually didn’t mind waking up miles away in Zone 4, late for work and having to go into the office in the same clothes I went out in.
No, as it’s only date No 2, I should probably be a bit cooler, right? The date was OK and I might be interested in seeing you again. I might actually answer if you ring, and the next time we speak might not be just because I drunk-dialled you in the hope of getting a quickie. And that programme you told me to watch, I am going to watch because nothing else is on, not so I have something to text you about.
Men can panic about losing their single status in the same way they would about losing their hair. Hanging on to every last strand and combing over the bald truth to hang on to the idea they are still young and single. The other night, I didn’t feel a spasm of panic about either. I’m scaring myself.
Usually when I write about a girl, the next time I see her she treats me to the kind of welcome normally reserved for Gary Glitter at Heathrow. Hopefully, this one can get beyond Departures.
andy.jones@thelondonpaper.com
John Molony, the mayor of Australian outback town Mount Isa, has been slaughtered for inviting “beauty disadvantaged” women to the town as its high ratio of men would give the ladies more chance of pulling.
Outraged single women leapt to attack him and his townsmen, claiming that while “the odds are good, the goods are odd,” so they remain unattached.
But, rampant sexism aside, when you’re looking for love do the numbers really count? Do you have more chance of finding the one, or someone, in a place that has more of your chosen sex? Or is it all about your personal attributes, whatever the figures say? Psychologist and dating coach Jo Hemmings says that, while being attentive and charming are always important, at the end of the day statistics do matter.
“Working or living in a place where the male/female population is seriously skewed in your favour is obviously going to be a great help, simply because there is less competition!” she says. “Some villages are suffering from less women than before, as they disappear for more challenging lifestyles in the cities, leaving men to carry on farming.”
But if you don’t want to leave the capital, in the table above we’ve broken down the areas where the odds are in your favour.
Ravneet.Ahluwalia@thelondonpaper.com
Bina, 26, a project management consultant, met Vishal while they were at secondary school. Vishal, a 26-year-old IT consultant, spent months asking her out before Bina finally agreed to a date in 2005. A year later, Vishal popped the question while they were hanging out in the same park where they used to mooch around as kids.
The couple, from Ilford, didn’t want the quintessential manic Indian wedding, and decided to celebrate their big day at the tranquil Fennes Estate in Braintree, Essex.
“I think it made a difference to how relaxed we were,” says Bina. “My brother said I was floating on air!”
There were 500 guests at the morning’s religious ceremony, followed by a civil ceremony in the afternoon.
Chicken with mango and an Indian savoury dish called dhokla were served and the couple took a ride in a horse and carriage before getting ready for the evening, when the starters were served outdoors, followed by a sit-down dinner, speeches and dancing.
Vishal says: “We were very relaxed as everything went to plan.”
Wedding Essentials
FIRST DATE
Chan’s Restaurant in East Ham
GET THE LOOK
Bina wore a red and white embroidered sari, and Vishal wore a red and white Indian suit
FLOWERS
Mango calla lilies from Eastern Mandaps
SWEET TREAT
Four-tier chocolate cake from Raj Cakes
MUSIC
Pantonic Steel Band, live singers and DJ Red Cap Records
FIRST DANCE
Only You by 112
PHOTOGRAPHER
www.pixcellence.co.uk
HONEYMOON
10 days in the Maldives
To the IT recruitment guy at Adecco who lives in Marble Arch. Thanks for letting me stand under your umbrella at Piccadilly Circus and for walking me to the bar. I wish I’d asked you in for a drink. Eileen
Cute Polish girl at Canary Wharf shopping mall, your shy smile makes my day. Love to get to know you. Dinner? DR
Kentish Town Co-op, Monday closing time. You almost accidentally bought my tomato juice. Bloody Mary? ANON
To the blond guy sat opposite me from London Bridge to Queens Road Peckham, Monday, 7pm-ish. Fancy me/drinks? CHRIS
To the cute suit guy who was on the train to London Bridge on Wednesday. We joked about your pink stripey socks. Like to show me them again? Ellie
To the short-sighted girl with red hair who got on at Ealing Broadway on Thursday and smiled. Drink? ANON
If you have seen someone you fancy in London ...
Text LOVE, followed by a space and then your message, to 88855. Texts cost 50p plus standard network extras.
Printing is subject to the editor’s discretion.
Your comments
Davina Hayes, 28, a teacher from Bow, says: “I’d been seeing a guy for a month but when I told him I was going to Havana with my university mates, he got a bit weird about it. He made snide remarks about which blokes were going – these were mates I’d known for years.
“I brushed it off and went on the holiday, but when I returned he broke up with me. I was heartbroken, but in hindsight I think he was insecure and I wouldn’t have wanted to be with him for the long run anyway.”
Should you consider cancelling your holiday? Simone Bienne, sex and relationship therapist for sky.com, says: “We’ve all been in that situation where we’ve been besotted with someone, but once your hormones level out, you need to ask what you have in common with that person. If a partner places demands on you so early in the relationship, what’s he or she going to be like later on?”
The start of a relationship, according to Bienne, is when you’re putting together the building blocks. So if your partner is terribly needy or insecure, you need to ask yourself whether you’d rather sacrifice a brilliant holiday, or take a chance.
If you want to cancel your holiday, there are some ways you might be able to claw back the money you’ve spent. Amanda Hyde, commissioning editor for The Sunday Times Travel magazine, advises: “If you’ve booked a package holiday and can find someone to take your place, then you just have to pay a small admin fee to change the names over.”
The worst thing that you can do, advises Bienne, is to talk to your friends about it before having a discussion with your partner. She says: “Friends sometimes can make the problem seem a lot bigger than it is. If you talk to your partner, you might uncover why they are behaving in such a way. Maybe they’ve been in a similar situation in the past and were hurt by an ex. The rule of thumb? Good relationships should not be complicated at the start.”
We may be more out and proud and accepted than ever, but unless you’re a seasoned web-stalker it’s still quite a job to meet girls who do girls in this city. Now that Soho has lost some of its 24/7 lesbian bars – RIP Rush and Candy Bar – there are only a few places where we can meet up with fellow ladies who munch.
I narrowly managed to avoid disaster on my most recent hook-up when we agreed to meet at Candy Bar, which is now squatting at Fierce in Leicester Square and The Edge on Soho Square. It was bad enough that I hadn’t already met Pippa in person – we were introduced blind-date style through friends – but when we spent the first hour of our date trying to locate each other, I did rather start to wonder whether this was an omen.
In the end we decided to ditch the Candy and head for The Star at Night on Great Chapel Street and the Glass Bar, where we enjoyed quiet cocktails.
But as Pippa explained, at least we have options if we want to meet dates in venues where fellow bon viveurs don’t stare at you if you touch fingertips or lips. Pippa had come to London to meet me from rural Gloucestershire, where there are no lesbian bars and the nearest gay pub is almost 25 miles away.
Pippa, who runs a busy farm, had all but given up on meeting another lesbian before we were introduced. She hadn’t been on a date for four years and the last time she’d arranged to meet in a pub near her farm, she caused a stir among locals when her date kissed her on the lips.
Sadly, I wasn’t able to prove how a liplocker would go unremarked in our venues of choice since we both acknowledged we felt no chemistry, but at least she left London feeling less like she was missing out on the rich cornucopia of lesbian hot spots she had imagined we have at our disposal. I, however, am considering moving back to Sitges in Spain, where I went for my holiday this year – at least they have a full-time lesbian bar there.
Jane Czyzselska is editor of Diva magazine
jane@thelondonpaper.com
Your comments
To the girl sitting opposite me on the Victoria line at 2pm on Thursday. You had a metallic coat and amazing eyes. I should have asked you out when you pointed out I’d left my keys behind. Drink some time? JULIAN
You were wearing an LA Dodgers T-shirt and I was the Chicago Bull on the District line on Tuesday morning. Fancy locking horns? ANON
To the guy in the blue and white shirt with khaki shorts on the train from Waterloo to Clapham on Tuesday. I was the brunette in the grey dress. We kept exchanging smiles, wish we’d exchanged numbers. Fancy a drink? C
To Marshal, the funny, tall, handsome guy I met on the Jubilee line to Stratford. Lost your number, get in touch please. TINA
To the adorable girl in the brown suit on the Bakerloo line on Tuesday morning. We were staring at each other as you got off at Charing Cross. I wanted to run after you but would have been late for work. Want to get me into trouble one morning? ANON
To the girl working in Southwark station. We talked about Arsenal and my inability to get on the packed train carriage. Fancy a drink? GOONER
To the beautiful woman with dark eyes and wavy hair on the Metropolitan line to Uxbridge. I was in the white shirt trying to draw you. Would love to draw you again. L
To Rita in the sandwich shop at Gloucester Road. Can I take you out this week? BOOM
If you have seen someone you fancy in London ...
Text LOVE, followed by a space and then your message, to 88855. Texts cost 50p plus standard network extras.
Printing is subject to the editor’s discretion.